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  • Plz advise

    I am a man of 40 years, i am above average sexually active. I am a Graphic Designer and Photographer, mostly home based job. My wife is well qualified and has regular job in a multinational company from Monday to Friday. My sexual life was very good before we had 2 kids. Now the kids are 3-5 years and they go to day care and a nanny also takes care of them. My wife is a very good human being and beautiful. I am very fond of her, love her and respect her. I am one woman man.
    But now i am unable to balance my sexual inclination and life around it. I feel like having sex at least once or twice a week, or three times maximum if circumstances allow.
    I understand, my wife has long day and multi tasks a lot without much spare time. She goes to a Gym in the morning then to office and then returns in the evening and then we have dinner and make kids sleep. Then my wife is tired and sleepy by that time and refuses to have sex. So, I am mostly i am left to have sex on friday and saturday night. That too many times doesn't happen due to my wife being not agreeing, guests at home, we going out, her menstrual cycles, kids sleeping late or any other reason may arise.
    I try to push her lot for sex almost all the time because i am unable to make out when she will agree or when circumstances will allow. Recently she has slimmed down a lot too, making her further attractive. But she never allows me undress her or lick her boobs while having sex. She even does not allow me to put my hand under her t-shirt, she only maximum allows me to ass massage for some time. When I push her a lot, sometimes i ask her to open the door once she is done with her shower, she allows me lick her boobs for 3 seconds each. She never smooches and closes her mouth tightly if i try to (no bad breath issues with me, i am a clean nice guy).
    Mostly when she agrees to have sex, she needs porn to get aroused most of the times. Then i finger her while she watches porn, once she gets bit aroused she hold my dick with her hand and moves it to-and-fro and then she gets an orgasms, then i do it in missionary position using a condom for my orgasm. I ejaculate fast because she has already done lot of to-and-fro by hand, so i get quick orgasm, which doesn't satisfy me or her too. Then she at times may ask me for another orgasm with fingers inside and tongue on her clit. She does does not make any noise or move much while doing this all, she also doesn't remove her top clothes while doing this. For me it feels slight better than self masturbating, still not very passionate. In my opinion we are doing it all wrong, but she refuses to change position or way or approaching it.
    She never gives blow jobs, but thats not much of a desire all the time. But sometimes I really need it, it feels wonderful if it happens, its feels like a man is being wanted and loved.
    She never tells her desires.
    When I go out for work or markets and meet other same aged modern attractive women, it becomes very painful. My desire to have good sex with my wife further rises. I just admire other women visually, never try to get close or try to know them. When I have a attractive women at home and i feel good about it, i see no need in my life to flirt around. But yes ... the visuals definitely increase my craving for sex with my own wife.
    But now I am fed up of constantly asking and begging for sex with my wife for past 2-3 years. I dont feel like going out at night, or inviting guests at night, or go for movie nights or anything which which may ruin my chances of having sex with her.
    Many times I plan to move away from thinking about sex. But its difficult because its impossible to sleep with beautiful curvy wife without physically touching, fiddling or hugging her.
    Many times I plan to move away from thinking about sex by not sleeping with her and sleeping in another room, and not disturbing her. But then i fear that may start a rift in family life. I love my kids and wife. I have a comfortable life cant spoil that.
    Many times i watch TV, Internet, spiritual stuff and try to fall asleep, but this doesn't help or actually feel good every day. So I get frustrated at times.
    Many times I feel to go out to mountains and do photography and divert my mind, but that also is a difficult solution as she may feel offended by that, how can I holiday alone ... and she might become revengeful further driving it to a rift.
    To divert my mind and energy, many times I feel to join a course or table tennis academy in the evening from 7 pm to 10 pm so that i get tired after playing, shower and dinner ... and then sleep. But that may again trigger a rift that I am not available when kids and she is at home for dinner.
    Many times I masturbate late evening or at night in another room to kill off my inclination and erection, so that i dont disturb her while she is sleeping.
    Many times I think, that i should find a fuck buddy or extra marital affair, but that also ruins everything.. and is difficult because i am quite spiritual and one woman man.
    Many times I try to talk horny and dirty with her (considering if she wants to fantasies of someone else than me) i talk about swapping, group sex, double penetrations, But that also didn't help either.
    Another issue might be that she might not be finding me attractive anymore. Because to arouse her I need to show her bondage/bdsm/rough sex porn, she feels bored with slow blow job / passionate sex. She prefers cruel porn. Very rarely she has sex without that kind of cruel porn. Lot of times I tried to move away from porn and asked on focusing on each other, but with clothes on as she likes .. it doesn't work.
    I silently passed 2-3 years by putting too much effort into all this for sex and had non passionate sex from her side. In the positions and way i described above. I couldnt discuss or revolt all this time, since i was partially financially dependent on her for a transaction. (She was paying for a transaction on 23 of every month and i use to return it by 9th of next month). If i revolted she always could have taken a revengeful attitude on that, resulting in problems in my business flow. But now financially things are better with me and I have gathered strength to discuss the issue, and does not have that much insecurity currently.
    Its not that sex is completely zero, but the issue is its not happening correctly and passionately, bonding should further grow. Further with clothes on, fingering and masturbation type sex, no change in positions and places, it has become monotonous.... just not moving in correct direction to conquer success as couple in this world.
    Sex gives lot of energy and harmony in family life, to cherish fruits of success, achievements and encouragement, sex is an essential bond between husband and wife.
    I am sick of planning, pushing, begging, requesting for sex. At occasions I have waited for long hours and she refused, frustrating me to the core and I slapped her once I had fought on this with her. Its wrong on my part.
    I am unsure who is wrong, what is wrong? and what is the solution to this problem? How I should i fix myself or her?
    Please help!!
    You can answer in two ways.
    1. Either I read your answers and do a change within me.
    2. We both can read your answers to dome over this issue.

  • #2
    i live a similar life for 40 years. i wish i would have realized that it was time to end it and find someone to be happy with. neither of you are happy, you're spinning your wheels


    • Kara0990
      Kara0990 commented
      Editing a comment
      So are you already happy at this stage of your life or not?